CALEB
From ROCKHARBOR
28 November 2008 - 6:56pm
Okay, several months ago I decided to try and write a hymn, or at least a song with more formal language and structure. Here is what I came up with, and I would love some feedback. My concern is that it is far too abstract and not accessible for a congregation. I also wonder if there are too many themes going on. Oh, and I haven't recorded a demo yet, so I'm just asking for your impressions lyrically. Thanks!
We need to see a glimpse into the basement of our heart
Where darkness overshadows the intent of who we are
We need to hear Your stilling voice that thunders through the night
Oh free us from the darkness, Son of mercy, God of light
We need to feel the magnet of Your all-pursuing love
The mercy of the Father beckons one and all to come
Let trials strengthen our resolve to find our faith in You
Beyond our earthly striving, Lord, it's You we now pursue
We need to know the power of Your Spirit in our lives
The nearness that reminds us You are with us, by our side
Fastened here, we will not leave Your presence day or night
Oh Spirit, lead us now into the freedom of Your light
You are the holy One
You are Father, Spirit, Son
You are the only One we need
You are the glorious One
Salvation has been won
You are the only One we need
Marc Proctor
From New Hope Church
30 November 2008 - 5:25pm
Caleb,
I like the concept of a hymn. I love the “hymn” structure because it allows lengthier lines and a more poetic verse. I don’t know many traditional hymns (didn’t grow up with them, catching up can be hard). But anyway, like what you’re putting together. I’m not much of a theologian or prodigy songwriter, but will just jot down thoughts to maybe spur yours on.
I’m not sure of the songs structure in melody and tempo; but if there is no break between the couplets of the first verse I sensed a disconnect between the image of a basement and the image of lightning. If they are connected into one melodic concept you might have a difficult metaphor there.
“overshadows the intent of who we are” seems to be a stacked statement. The overshadowing of intent is a difficult one to get to the bottom of. Does that mean we are innately good or evil? It seems confusing to me because intent still allows there to be a deeper level in us. Perhaps, “overshadows the depths of who we are” might be easier to follow.
Is there a reason you opted to say “Son of mercy” and “God of light”? Why not “God of Mercy, God of Light”?
The couplet beginning with “let trials strengthen…” is cool, I liked this line, “Beyond our earthly striving, Lord, it's You we now pursue.” I wondered if it is the trial that strengthens us or the God in the midst of the trial that strengthens us? It is something to consider if you’d want to re-word.
“Fastened here” might be more pointed if it wasn’t a complete statement. “Here” might be anywhere (though the following statement helps to clear it up, if “Here” was replaced with a word that left the statement more open I think the inference of being fastened in God instead of some other place would be even clearer.)
The first and third verse end with a couplet on “…night/…light” but the second does not. Maybe a “theme” you would want consistency with?
I like the chorus, looks good! Definitely contemporary, I hope my thoughts might have helped. Not really criticisms as much as questions.
Good stuff bro!
http://www.xanga.com/quiescentdetonation (blog)
Great thoughts! Thanks so much for taking the time to really look at this.
I'll try and re-load this with a demo so you can hear the interludes between verses, also the chorus would split it up in terms of arrangement.
I'm not sure where you saw "lightning", but if it's in there than that was a mistake.
By saying "overshadows the intent", I am implying that we were created with the intention of following Christ (True self), and darkness comes in and overshadows that (False self). The reason I did "Son" was because I am going for a Trinitarian approach, which is established lyrically in the verses and brought together in the chorus.
That is true, it is absolutely God that strengthens us in our trials, but there is that passage in scripture that references trials/persecution "consider it pure joy"... I guess it is implied, but may be worth cleaning up a bit. "Fastened" is probably a stretch anyway, I don't think I've ever used it in everyday language :)
Good points about the rhyming. Thanks again for your thoughts!
cc
eh... "thunders"... thunder, lighting... all the same thing right?! :) I'm creating my own content as I comment I guess!? Sorry!
I figured there were reasons behind the statements you had in the hymn. It truly is good work!
Thanks man. By the way, where in Oregon are you? I grew up in Salem and go about twice a year to visit my family.
Bend, just south of Salem. I'm sure you must have travelled north for Thanksgiving then huh!? You're in So-Cal now aren't you? What drew you southwards? My wife has family in so-cal and I believe we may be heading that direction in the upcoming few years... but I digress!
Nice. We always vacationed in Bend, actually Sisters to be exact. We stay down here for Thanksgiving but always go up for Christmas. I went to school in Orange County and have been here now for 10 years.
Ah, Sisters... home to the famous Sisters Quilt Show, and rumored celebrity sightings, :) and the setup for the holidays around Christmas can be quite elaborate. Sisters Drug is always worth stopping by, if nothing else for the free hot cider they serve! Good times in a sort of funny crafty sort of way!
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