Thomas7265247
From unknown
Hi,
I'm in a long term relationship, and the issue of sex has come up. We've looked into what the bible says, and also a few bible dictionaries and articles on the internet, and are struggling to find reasons not to have sex, considering that we intend to get married. Most dictionaries seem to says sex outside of marriage is "sexually immoral" but we have not found one which explains this further or justifies this using the bible.
Would be good to hear your thoughts,
Thomas
paul
that is very good advice you gave to thomas, very biblical i honestly believe apart from kjv nkjv or niv. i wouldnt look at any of version of the bible.
but i know everyone has to make up their own mind on this one. i still think fornication is the best way to explain sex outside of marriage even if it does have a broad meaning.
hi there thomas,
thanks for your honest post!
just one thing to add, God says that we should wait till marriage to have sex as he knows whats best for us, hes not a spoil sport not wanting us to enjoy sex. the thing that he emphasises is that the highest level of physical initmacy that any 2 people can have (ie sex) requires first the highest level of commitment any 2 people can have (ie marriage).
ps the number of people ive met who had sex before marriage because they thought they would get married but
sadly broke up is quite striking. Sex is Gods wedding present to you on your wedding night, its honestly worth waiting
for! (im married with 2 kids).
pps are you both christians?
God bless,
gav.
Paul gives some good advice - worth paying attention to.
This is something that I struggled with when dating as I was in a sexual relationship with my partner. We were both pretty immature as Christians, and again, were looking for reasons to allow us to have that sort of relationship rather than just letting the bible inform our choices.
A combination of us wanting to do what we wanted, and Christian brothers & sisters not really holding us to account meant that this state of things continued for too long. And the longer it went on, the more difficult it was to get out of. As we grew as Christians, we became more aware that what we were doing wasn't in line with God's purpose for it, but by that point, it's harder to get away from. See James 1:15. For us as a couple - before we got married - it caused quite a lot of heartache and emotional pain because the physical attraction between us was there, but we also wanted to do what was right, so there was some sadness in our inability at times to do that. My relationship took up a lot of my run-time in life that it really shouldn't have done, and it was because of the nature of our relationship.
Thankfully, I married her (in line with good biblical advice again! See 1 Cor. 7: 9), and my wife is the only person I have ever slept with, so my comments come from having seen it from both sides of marriage if that makes sense.
With the benefit of hindsight, my advice, having borne in mind the above, would be to stick away from sex until you are married, and to get people to hold you to account, and make sure they will be people who won't let you wriggle off the hook. They're doing you a favour, believe me, as otherwise it can give rise to a lot of problems and angst.
The alternative is to look at what the bible says about it, and make a conscious and deliberate choice to disobey what it says. Without wanting you to publicly confirm details of what might be a sensitive subject, I'm assuming you're already partway towards that sort of a physical relationship with your partner, and if that's the case, i'd urge you to make a conscious decision (both of you) to move away from that, and go towards marriage first.
The other thing to note in terms of what the bible says about sex outside of marriage, is that the consumation of a relationship (sex) basically WAS the indication of marriage back then. So when the bible talks about people not having that sort of relationship outside of marriage, it's not particularly grey... actually it's pretty black and white.
If you're looking for reasons to go against it, chances are you're trying to find a way around it.
Even if only this... the bible says to flee from immorality, on a number of different occasions. If sex before marriage is classed as immorality, what would be your conclusion, prima facie?
1 Corinthians 7 9 states that if you want sex get married.
BTW for the pedants I know how that looks but I'm in a hurry
I know... the caveat I should post before i'm pilloried is that there were other very good reasons for marrying her - not least that i love her - and the above was meant slightly as tongue in cheek. However, it's also sound scriptural advice supporting sex within marriage.
Thomas,
Perhaps another way of looking at it... if you're intending to get married, why not just get married? Is there any reason why you shouldn't?
You need to define what it is marriage is. Marriage has always been made a big deal of like the huge party Jesus went to in the bible. BUT, without all of the commerical things that we are told we have to spend thousands of pounds on, basically marriage is a convent between two people, who love each other before God. I went to a weeding a few months ago and was told a story. A homeless couple who could not afford all of the 'trimmings' got some of their friends together and swore in front of God, saying the marriage vows, joining in a convenant between the two of them. That is what i would call marriage, legally they are not married, but they are happy and together. 1 Chorintians 13 v 4-13 tells us what love should be, patient, kind etc. true love is patient and if you truely love someone then you should wait until you are married.
There are 3 words in the greek language for love. Agape, eros and philios. Eros is basically where the word erotic comes from, In the UK, we are told that on this type of love we are ment to build our relationships. Philios is the type of love in friendship and Agape is a coventental love. So, currently the way a relationship works is to have eros at the front, then philios, and agape is barely taken seriously. hence the huge divorce rate in this country. In my opinion, it should go more like philios, a friendship between the two of you and a trust in God. Then Agape, marriage to the person you love with God at the centre. Finally eros the sex part. Not even the erotic part which is the worped view of the world of eros, but a pure form which is again God centered.
I am 17, which may give you a clue why my spelling is so bad. :). But i have had alot of chats with people about this. And read the bible and what it says. At the end of the day, if you are truely a christian you will try and base your life around God and keep him at the centre, granted this is hard, but in your realationship when you and your girlfriend are together you are two people, when she is your fiance you are again two people, but when she is your wife you are one in the name of christ.
matthew.
I read your post at lunchtime today and it has really been on my heart. I want to give you an honest reply without saying too much if you know what I mean.
We are so blessed as humans to have been given the wonderful gift of sex which both enhances our relationships and gives us wonderful 'fruit'. But God designed it to be in the context of marriage and I don't have a scriptural answer for you however, please believe me, it is not fun when you are in your final year of uni, 6 months pregnant and your fiance dumps you even though he had promised you the world. God is good though and my baby is now almost a teenager, I have been happily married to another Christian for ages now and have been blessed with 4 more kids. You just don't know until you walk down that ailse, how things are going to turn out.
My wedding was so special - he was a virgin. I was so blown away that my husband would make a life long commitment to me without knowing what that area of our life would be like. We were only engaged for 4 months and I think short engagements are the way to go!
For the record, I believe that virgins make the best lovers - they have no baggage.
Honour your lady, she will thank you for it in the long run. So get on with it and post us a photo of your wedding - all us old marrieds love wedding photos cause it reminds us of the carefree days before kids and mortgages : )
Ange X
New Song
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Hi Thomas, good questions.
Struggling to find reasons not to have sex is normal. It would be more worrying if you're in a relationship where you're thinking of getting married and not be sexually attracted to each other. That's how our bodies are wired. It's good you're trying to look to the Bible for your answer - but beware reading into the Bible the answer you want to find!
Christian tradition, based on its understanding of the Bible, has for 2000 years (and longer if you include Jewish tradition) presevered sex for within a male/female marriage relationship. "Sexual immorality" is how many newer Bible translations choose to translate the Greek word "porneia" (where the word pornography comes from). It used to be translated "fornication" but is understood to have a fairly broad meaning that includes "sex with someone who isn't your spouse." So the Bible is full of instruction not to have pre-marital sex, but many modern translations weaken the meaning that make it difficult to find.
The main theological reason for sex withinin marriage is (though there are others) the idea of One Flesh. "One flesh" from Gen 2 is the text that Jesus and Paul refer to when talking about marriage. Marriage creates a new spiritual unit that sex helps to reinfornce. Sex is intended to express full physical intimacy, but we are not just physical creatures. Marriage reflects complete convenant unity - legal, emotional, spiritual, economic, social AND physical. Sex outside marriage is always incomplete. To quote CS Lewis, it's like chewing a steak without swallowing it. It might taste good, but you're missing out on the full value and worth of it.
Paul
COI: Married, and worth waiting for!