Brett
From VCC
18 July 2008 - 9:08pm
I have been kind of out of this whole songwriting thing. I've hardly wrote this whole year. However, I have been working on one song off and on since last year called "Overcoming Savior." And, I need your honest critique and feedback of it. I don't know whether to be done with it or not.
A little bit about the song... it was partially prompted by a message Louie Giglio gave at Passion Chicago in mid-October of last year. I remember feeling at the time a real sense of discouragement and weariness by how much brokenness there I observed in my own life and then what I observed around me. Anyways, Louie said something that stuck, which was something along the lines of, "There will always be trouble in life, but in spite of that, there will always be an overcoming Savior."
So this song is a response to brokenness in a sense. It's my attempt to be real with the heaviness of life and then living in recognition that only God can rescue us from this through Jesus Christ. I can't do a thing about it. Only Jesus can.
Please give me your feedback and suggestions more about the song than the quality or performance of the recording (while that's helpful too)... it's a bedroom recording so it'll need help...
Thanks!
--------------------------------
overcoming Savior
everywhere we look, life’s so broken
but Jesus reigns, he’s not forgotten
the hurting and the weak
the shamed and incomplete
oh Jesus, You’ve come for all
only You can save
only You can save
overcoming Savior
strength for every heart
powerful and mighty
you’ve beaten death
you’ve saved us, Lord
anything we do, it can’t measure
to Jesus Christ in his power
the strength of love and grace
the hope of all our days
so we hold, only to You
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Chris Sayburn
From Worship Central // Leeds Adviser
18 July 2008 - 10:12pm
great song Brett, love the way it builds.....how big is your bedroom as the sound quality is amazing (were they live drums)
anyway...i digress!
only things that stood out to me that could maybe be tweaked are...
"he's not forgotten"
It feels to me like it needs something else stronger there to really complete the verse
then the other thing is in the second verse "To Jesus Christ in His power"
the second line of the first verse uses 9 syllables, and that line in the second only uses 8
You could stick in "great" or something like that so its..
"To Jesus Christ in His great power"
This would help the flow and continuity of the verses.
They're just my thoughts anyway!
Great song and great voice.
Yeah you have a really nice voice and the song is good as well. Keep it up mate :)
Great song! I really like the arrangement you've got going, sounds really good!
Question about :"he's not forgotten", what do you mean by that? Is it that Jesus Himself isn't forgotten, or that Jesus hasn't forgotten the brokenness of life that we experience? The chorus is really great (very memorable), however you might be able to strengthen the last two lines. Perhaps you can speak to what Jesus has saved us from in those lines? Not sure. Keep at it man!
Jesse
Hey man! really loving this song, to be honest it was like a breath of fresh air listening to something so refreshing and inspiring, reminding us just what jesus has done for us, and in a way thats also pleasing to the ears at the same time!
I too am not sure about the 'he's not forgotten' line, but other than that i really enjoyed listening to it and think its a really good song, nice one :)
Yep just to second the question over 'he's not forgotten' - I'm presuming it's a abbreviation of 'he HAS not forgotten the hurting and the weak' but it could also be read as saying 'Jesus reigns, he IS not forgotten'. So there's a bit of ambiguity there which will make people do a double-take when they're reading it, so best to iron that out IMO. Other than that, great words, great song!
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Agree with point about the ambiguity of the line "He's not forgotten" but i kinda like it - almost forces you to slow down a bit and think carefully about what it's saying and digest it. Like the chorus too - it's strong and sums up the essence of the song and yeah the arrangement is great . . . ESPECIALLY the low octave notes on the piano just before the last chorus (i think??) and oh yeah, the CP88 sound is soooo sweat! Nice one
It's been awhile. I haven't been able to post lately... I get errors. Anyways, thank you all for taking the time to give some feedback. It's really helpful.
As for the "he's not forgotten"... it's meant to be the starting thought for what follows. So it would read, "He's not forgotten the hurting and the weak; the shamed and incomplete." I'm wondering if I should have added punctuation in like so:
everywhere we look, life's so broken
but Jesus reigns; he's not forgotten
the hurting and the weak;
the shamed and incomplete
I'm not quite sure what I'll do with it yet... because I realize that in context, it would really destroy any thought process if it meant "he is not forgotten." The lines that follow would be kind of random then... it's hard to know whether to allow those things in a song to make people take a second look and think... but you don't want to sacrifice clarity either and leave the people forever confused... hmmph... gonna have to think some more on this.
Also, I want to get some more thoughts on something else... throughout the song I switch to describing Jesus to actually singing to him. It's horizontal in one way and vertical in another. I made the last lines of the verses the transition points for this switch. Does this work okay? No one has said anything about it which makes me think it's not a problem.
Chris, thank you for pointing out the syllable count. I'm definitely going to modify that. Also, my bedroom is pretty small. I want to guess that it's like 10x13 feet with an 8ft ceiling. The drum kit hardly fits in the room!
Wayne, that's stellar you noticed the piano! I love letting those low piano octaves ring.. I was glad I could find a spot for it!
Thanks again everyone for your feedback and suggestions. Very helpful. Feel free to keep 'em coming.
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