Jonathan_davies_88
From Tabernacle Baptist Church/St. Thomas' Philadelphia
7 October 2008 - 1:13am
Hello there,
Here's a song i cooked up a while ago. I would love feedback on any areas you feel could be improved. Cheers for your time :)
The lyrics are:
Verse1
There is no greater name, than Jesus Christ,
He offers us, free salvation.
Verse 2
There is nothing we can do, to make him love us more,
he knocks on the door to our life, so let us fling it open!
Chorus
No condemnation, no being alone,
No fear in death, no guilt in life,
All i have to do is say Jesus you're true,
So have me now Jesus i love you! x4
Verse 3
In the beginning you were there, life itself is in you,
We can only glimpse, just of how great you are,
Verse 4
Holyness made human, but sin without,
Died on a cross for sinners, but risen are you King!
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gavinball
From Fishponds Baptist Church, Bristol, UK
7 October 2008 - 7:22am
hi jonathan,
nice song, good recording i love the bongos in it!
i think the lyrics start off strong in the first 2 verses and fine in the first 2 lines of chorus but then start to sound a bit more like a pop song than a worship song with 'all i have to do is say Jesus youre true' have me now etc. have me now sounds a bit odd really, if you said save me Jesus now that would make more sense i think. i think theres a more powerful way to say 'all i have to do is say Jesus youre true'. it doesnt even have to rhyme.
there seems to be a quite a big gap on the free salvation line almost as if a few extra words are missing.
also i would rewrite verse 4 altogether. half of it sounds like yoda, ie 'sin without' and 'risen are you king'.
i would love the chorus melody to go up rather than down in the song giving it more of a lift as at the moment it seems like another verse.
good song great subject, keep working on it it could really be a good song.
God bless,
gav.
Jonathan_davies_88
From Tabernacle Baptist Church/St. Thomas' Philadelphia
7 October 2008 - 11:15pm
Hey mate,
Thanks a lot for all the lovely advice!
So yeh i've have a rethink and a shuffled about and replaced words here and there according to your comments and yeh it sounds a lot better. Next time i get round to recording more stuff i'll definately do this song again with the corrections. There's no bongos by the way, it me doing a bit of beat boxing on the guitar whilst playing the tune...a trick i've been trying to master by listening to guys like tommy emmanuel other awesome guitar players.
But anyway here are the lyrics how they are looking now:
Verse1
There is no greater name, than Jesus Christ,
He offers us, free salvation. (with it coming in earlier)
Verse 2
There is nothing we can do, to make him love us more,
he knocks on the door to our life, so let us fling it open!
Chorus
No condemnation, no being alone,
No fear in death, no guilt in life,
All i have to do is Jesus follow you,
So save me now Jesus i need you! x4 (i really want to repeat this line as to almost meditate on it because its the main point of the song that we need to be saved)
Verse 3
You were there in the beginning, life itself is in you,
We can only glimpse, just of how great you are,
Verse 4
Holyness made human, but without sin,
Died on a cross for sinners, but you are risen King!
I envisaged the song being used as a general reminder of what the good news of Jesus is and also for it to be easily understood by non-christians who hear it. It's obviously not one for the congregation to sing as well, but it could be used in a service where people just listen to it and not sing along. But yeh i think i will mostly be playing it to my mates and in smaller, more private worship times which is what i really love.
Thanks again for your time, anymore comments on my revsions are most welcome :)
god bless
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