mmiltonp
From Spirit and Truth Baptist
12 December 2009 - 12:19am
Hi all,
I want your thoughts on a song I recently wrote and have been using in corporate worship.
It s inspiration comes from 2 Samuel 23 where David's men overhear his longing for a drink of water and then lay down their lives to fulfill their King's desire. I thought how wonderful it would be to hear so clearly our King's heart, His desire, and how it would move so many to lay their lives down as well.
the recording is among the livings of my family lol
and thanks in advance.
Michael
Lyrics:
My allegiance lies with You my King
I offer my all, my everything
You found me in darkness and gave to me Light
You found me in death and gave to me Life
Chorus
And I worship You my King
My life's my offering
to You alone will my heart bow
I sing to You my Jesus
Praise my King I must
my heart cries out to confess You're glorious
My God
I want to know Your will
Let my ears hear Your heart
To please you I'll give my all, not just do my part
You're worthy of all I can give, worthy of all I can be
You're worthy of all I'll ever do, of every word I speak
Chorus
I sing to You my Jesus
Praise my King I must
my heart cries out to confess You're Glorious
My God
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Daniel_Read
From St John's Yeadon
13 December 2009 - 6:18pm
Hey Michael
I think the recording is just the guitar track - do you have one with the vocals too? It would help to hear them.
Lyrics look pretty good though - I'd like to hear it. There's a bit of a "yoda" with "Praise my King I must". I think if it were me, I might perhaps take the metaphor of following the King into battle and think about that for a bit, and also emphasise the "doing" of things for the king as much as the "heart bowing".
Daniel
oops.... I'll upload the vocals too. Actuallt thoughtI did : ) Concerning the "Yoda" phrases, I haven't given that much thought, phrasings like that remind me of poetic phrases and some King James english...something to think on however. What do you think are the disadvantages of phrases worded in that fashion?
Thanks for the feedback though
Michael
Ummmm.... still just guitar, though the player! If you uploaded two files now, you might need to delete one.
On the "yoda" thing, there's a discussion about it here:
http://www.hemustincrease.com/forum/topics/to-yoda-or-not-to-yoda
In fact, I also quite like the yoda phrasing, sometimes, as you'll see from the discussion. In this case, though, I think it sounds a bit forced: it looks like you only wrote it that way round for a rhyme with "glorious"?
Still looking forward to hearing it!
Daniel
It will be posted, Lord willing, later this week. I lost my home modem and will not get it back till later this week.
I'll check out the link : )
You know since reading the post, I've noticed alot of reverse phrasings in songs. I don't find anything distracting or wrong about it, I think its more opinion, which is valuable but not always valid. Take for instance Mercy Me's I can only Imagine, someone on the thread you linked was referring to the line "Or to my knees will I fall". I think its a great lyric in a great song...but to each their own : ).
So the vocals are there, recorded last night, got a little loud in the mic at one point but oh well...let me know what ya think!
Michael
I like it - it has a nice gentle feel to it (almost sounds like Simon and Garfunkel at the beginning).
OK, you are right, it is a matter of opinion about the yoda thing (and I do, in part, agree with you). So, it's up to you. I think the line jars with me a bit for two reasons - (i) the verb ("Praise") is at the beginning of the line, with "must" (which isn't a verb??) is at the end: "I must Praise" is a much stronger phrase than "Praise, I must", and (ii) as said above, you have "must" at the end sort of to rhyme with "glorious". You could sing "I must praise my King", or "Praise the King of love" (or something similar).
The other bit I'd work on is a comparison of the lines of each verse - try to get them so they have the same number of syllables in.... you have a whole 5 more syllables in the last line of verse 2 as compared to verse 1, for example. That sort of thing is going to throw a congregation!
Good song!
I'm not against a rewrite, as I often rewrite on the spot lol, I just want some good reasons to do so, the verb issue I can see....i'll give that some serious thought : )
thanks again
feed back is truly an invaluable gift,
Michael
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