Hello Dan,
This is a credible worship tune and you sing well in tune - you don't need to knock your vocal quality! Is your chord writing mate on the piano? If so he does a good job. I think you should post the lyrics as it makes it easier for people to comment. I like the fact that the verse is more talky whilst the chorus is a response to God - a model that Matt Redman said was a good on one of the Worship Central podcasts. I think you need to work on the lyrics to tighten up what you are trying to say. The first verse describes God rescuing us from a pit and the second tells us that God put us above the creatures of the earth with seems a bit random. I think you need a clear concept. Watch that you don't put the emPHAsis on the wrong syllAble (as Matt Osgood said at a Resound conference I went to!). When you revise it and record it properly, how about using Garageband or Audacity to record each track separately so that you can use a click track to keep it all in time? Hope that's helpful. God bless,
Ian